Have you ever asked yourself, “Did I make the right decision?”

Have you ever doubted the justifications you created to get to where you are?

Humans are very good at finding ways to justify what they do, because it gives them a reason to stand close to what they believe.

For example: Jacquie had, like so many, been forced to work from home during the pandemic. She’d done well, created a new business and asked her husband to come onboard. For a while it worked well, and the business grew, but Jacquie knew the dynamics were affecting her family. Heated discussions replaced laughter. Money became the sole conversation at the dinner table and eventually, she’d had enough.

In an attempt to save her family, she decided it was time to make changes. She tried for a while to modify the working model, to change the dynamics. She looked at ways to step back, give more autonomy to her husband and even began looking for her new career. In her mind, the more space she created, the more empowered he would become to find his own way and she hoped life could return to normal. But it didn’t happen.

What Jacquie was actually doing, was running away. She’d created an environment she didn’t like and wanted the old days back. She wanted her home to feel like home again, full of smiles and sunshine. She wanted her husband to laugh, and to feel the warmth from his arms around her, so she persuaded herself that if she stepped back from the business, it would give him the space he needed to seek a new career.

You see, humans move away from pain and towards pleasure, because we don’t like to be hurt, and we don’t want to feel sad. So, we seek ways to create happiness and joy.

For Jacquie, this resulted in her walking away from a successful business and a well-paid position, because she associated all of it with pain. In her eyes, she’d encouraged everyone to work together, thinking it would be nice to have a family business, but she hadn’t assessed the risks and the dynamics of each personality (as she would had she hired an outsider).

But, in running away from the pain, Jacquie forgot to consider her own needs. She’d simply convinced herself that she was making the right decision, for everyone. Without considering the consequences.

Over the next few months, Jacquie sought a new career and was happy with the direction. She started studying, gaining new clients and stepping back from the original business. At the same time, Jacquie tried with all her might to encourage her husband to do the same; wanting more than anything to “fix” the problem she felt sure she’d created. Sadly though, Jacquie had not factored in her husband’s loss of confidence and self-worth during his time at home, and the more she pushed, the more he withdrew.

Her plan wasn’t working. In fact, it was causing more pain. The antithesis of her intention.

When Jacquie identified she wasn’t the person to help John find a new way forward, she began to withdraw from their marriage. Jacquie had convinced herself that in taking action and finding a new career, John would/should do the same. And when that didn’t happen, she felt lost.

In a final attempt to save their marriage, Jacquie parked her studies and looked for a job in a company. Something that would take her away from home. In her mind, this was the only way to replace the income she’d lost and reorganise the dynamics at home.

As her start day rolled closer, Jacquie realised her fatal flaw. She had created the very environment she’d worked so hard to avoid. Instead of being free to walk her own path, she was returning to a nine to five job. Fraught with in-house politics and cultural toxicity.

The motto of this story is simple. It isn’t your job to fix others.

In running blindly away from pain to fix the problem she felt she’d created Jacquie hadn’t stopped for one minute to look at the longer term picture for herself. She hadn’t factored in that she was the leader in the family, the driving force. Nor had she remembered why she’d started her own business; she wanted to be free.

Today, Jacquie’s locked herself up in a job she doesn’t want, just to pay the bills. She rarely see her family, because she’s never at home and her husband still doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life.

If any of this resonates, here’s a little piece of advice. If you find yourself making changes in direction, remember that humans move away from pain and towards pleasure. Even if the pleasure isn’t real and even if it’s only short lived.

Had Jacquie stopped for one moment to acknowledge this, she would have realised that the pleasure she was creating wasn’t real. She’d created an entirely new life in her head, with John finding a new way forward and everything returning to normal. But that wasn’t the reality. In reality, John felt lost and hurt. He didn’t know which way to turn and Jacquie’s ability to turn her life around only served to make this worse.

Had Jacquie spent the same amount of time focused on achieving a life of freedom and joy, she could have started a new business and made space for her family at the same time. She could have spent a small amount of money on an office away from home and left her husband to find his own way in a kind and supportive fashion.

In feeling less pressured, John may well have found a new passion. Something he truly wanted to do, or he may have come up with ideas to complement Jacquie’s new venture, allowing them both to remain free. He might also have visited Jacquie’s new office for lunch. Arriving with flowers to brighten her day. And their marriage would be reignited. This was the outcome Jacquie wanted but she didn’t stop long enough to see it.

Musings:

People move away from pain and towards pleasure.

The pain and pleasure don’t have to be real. They can be an illusion.

Taking time to think things through, can save you a lot of pain in the long run. Journalling is a great way to do this because it allows you to find solutions of your own without the good opinion of other people.

It is not your job to fix others. They have to fix themselves. If you want to help, offer it, but let people come to you.