Date: 19 February 2026

Sarah, like so many human beings, gave off the illusion of being in control.

She ate healthily, exercised when work allowed, and listened to self-improvement audiobooks on the way to and from work. She told herself that appearing “together” was a vital part of her role, so her guard remained firmly in place. At work. At home. Everywhere.

She organised her family with the same military precision she managed her team.

Rarely, if ever, asking people personal questions.

Not because she didn’t care, but because personal questions opened doors. Doors to conversations she couldn’t control. Conversations that might require her to answer questions in return. Questions she had spent a lifetime keeping hidden.

Put simply, Sarah lived in her head.

All the time.

When we live in our head, we believe we are keeping our heart safe. But safety and aliveness are not the same thing. And whilst this approach protects us from discomfort, it also distances us from the very connection, ease, and fulfilment we quietly crave.

What many people don’t realise is that these patterns rarely begin in adulthood.

Sarah is driven by a thread created long ago.

As a little girl, she learned that achievement created safety. Good grades, the right friendships, and responsible choices brought praise. Praise brought peace.

And peace meant everything was okay.

Over time, her nervous system learned a simple equation:

Hard work + strict discipline = good results

Good results = approval

Approval = safety

Without realising it, Sarah stopped pursuing joy, and started pursuing safety.

Her aim became simple: maintain control, avoid disruption, and preserve the quiet life she had worked so hard to build.

The irony is, this strategy worked.

It helped her succeed. It helped her progress. It helped her build a life that looked stable from the outside.

But the very patterns that once protected her are now quietly limiting her.

If Sarah paused long enough to look around, she might notice that her team feels overwhelmed by her demands. Not because she is cruel, but because she leads through structure rather than connection.

She focuses on performance, not people.

Not intentionally. But habitually.

She keeps conversations task-focused. Efficient. Professional. Predictable.

Safe.

But humans are not machines. And when people feel unseen, they disengage. Morale drops. Loyalty weakens. Eventually, they leave.

And Sarah is left wondering why she cannot keep good people in her team.

This is where many leaders become stuck.

Because it is difficult to accept that the strategies which helped us survive in one chapter of our life may be the very things holding us back in another.

Sarah doesn’t need to change who she is.

She doesn’t need to become someone different.

She simply needs to understand what is driving her.

Because when awareness enters the room, choice follows.

When she begins to see her team as individuals rather than functions, everything changes.

She doesn’t need to spend hours in endless conversation. But she does need to make space to understand who her people are. What motivates them. Where their strengths lie.

Because if she doesn’t know who she has in her team, how can she bring out their best?

She can’t.

And this is the quiet truth many high-performing leaders eventually discover:

Success built on control creates distance.

Success built on understanding creates loyalty.

Sarah isn’t unusual.

She is what happens when capable, intelligent people learn to perform before they learn to feel safe simply being themselves.

And until that changes, they will continue to build lives that look successful on the outside…

while quietly feeling alone.

This is the work of a Conscious Reset. An opportunity to understand what drives you, so you can begin to choose consciously in the future. 

Dustie 

She thought she had her whole life together.

Sarah, like so many human beings, gave off the illusion of being in control.

She ate healthily, exercised when work allowed, and listened to self-improvement audiobooks on the way to and from work. She told herself that appearing “together” was a vital part of her role, so her guard remained firmly in place. At work. At home. Everywhere.

She organised her family with the same military precision she managed her team.

Rarely, if ever, asking people personal questions.

Not because she didn’t care, but because personal questions opened doors. Doors to conversations she couldn’t control. Conversations that might require her to answer questions in return. Questions she had spent a lifetime keeping hidden.

Put simply, Sarah lived in her head.

All the time.

When we live in our head, we believe we are keeping our heart safe. But safety and aliveness are not the same thing. And whilst this approach protects us from discomfort, it also distances us from the very connection, ease, and fulfilment we quietly crave.

What many people don’t realise is that these patterns rarely begin in adulthood.

Sarah is driven by a thread created long ago.

As a little girl, she learned that achievement created safety. Good grades, the right friendships, and responsible choices brought praise. Praise brought peace.

And peace meant everything was okay.

Over time, her nervous system learned a simple equation:

Hard work + strict discipline = good results

Good results = approval

Approval = safety

Without realising it, Sarah stopped pursuing joy, and started pursuing safety.

Her aim became simple: maintain control, avoid disruption, and preserve the quiet life she had worked so hard to build.

The irony is, this strategy worked.

It helped her succeed. It helped her progress. It helped her build a life that looked stable from the outside.

But the very patterns that once protected her are now quietly limiting her.

If Sarah paused long enough to look around, she might notice that her team feels overwhelmed by her demands. Not because she is cruel, but because she leads through structure rather than connection.

She focuses on performance, not people.

Not intentionally. But habitually.

She keeps conversations task-focused. Efficient. Professional. Predictable.

Safe.

But humans are not machines. And when people feel unseen, they disengage. Morale drops. Loyalty weakens. Eventually, they leave.

And Sarah is left wondering why she cannot keep good people in her team.

This is where many leaders become stuck.

Because it is difficult to accept that the strategies which helped us survive in one chapter of our life may be the very things holding us back in another.

Sarah doesn’t need to change who she is.

She doesn’t need to become someone different.

She simply needs to understand what is driving her.

Because when awareness enters the room, choice follows.

When she begins to see her team as individuals rather than functions, everything changes.

She doesn’t need to spend hours in endless conversation. But she does need to make space to understand who her people are. What motivates them. Where their strengths lie.

Because if she doesn’t know who she has in her team, how can she bring out their best?

She can’t.

And this is the quiet truth many high-performing leaders eventually discover:

Success built on control creates distance.

Success built on understanding creates loyalty.

Sarah isn’t unusual.

She is what happens when capable, intelligent people learn to perform before they learn to feel safe simply being themselves.

And until that changes, they will continue to build lives that look successful on the outside…

while quietly feeling alone.

This is the work of a Conscious Reset. An opportunity to understand what drives you, so you can begin to choose consciously in the future. 

Dustie 

©️ Dustie Houchin Limited 2026.